Never in a million years did I think I’d be raising this beautiful baby boy….alone. My experiences have been a little different from my friends mainly because I’m a single mom. Boy, did I think I wasn’t going to make it. Sometimes I still feel that way, but I’m doing what I need to. Without the support of my family, I doubt Kristian and I would be where we are right now. Being the youngest in my family, selfless wasn’t a part of my vocabulary, but my angel came and changed all of that for me. As a mom, you learn what you’re capable of, a hunger awakens in you that you never knew existed…
When I found out I was pregnant, I cried. When I found out I’d be raising this little angel without a father, I became angry. I hurt for my son because as a black woman raising a black man, I know how important a great male influence is. Have you ever woke up and just felt like you wanted everything to end? Like this life you’re living can’t be worth it? Or, that you hated everybody because they saw no fault in what your son’s father was doing? During my entire pregnancy people constantly told me it was my fault that he wasn’t there.
“Oh Deanna, you should’ve gotten an abortion like he asked you to.” Or “Deanna, why didn’t you just take the money he offered to have an abortion and accomplish some things you’ve always wanted to?” That was my favorite.
All of this happened during my pregnancy. I dealt with so much backlash for choosing my son’s life over any dollar amount. I felt no dollar amount would ever amount to what my baby could possibly be.
I made the decision to be a mother and a strong woman, despite my son’s father’s conscious decision to be absent in MY son’s life. It was heartbreaking. I had no idea how to raise a child. I was just getting accustomed to taking care of myself and the shit I have going on, now you’re telling me I gotta do it alone?! The emotions I felt throughout my pregnancy for this man stemmed from complete hatred and anger. I quickly turned that anger into motivation to be a better woman and mother for my son. He needed a great example to look up to. I wanted to be the epitome of what a mom is for him.
Fast forward to 10 months later… He’s here! What do I do? Can I drop him off somewhere? Who can I give him to? He won’t stop crying! Is there a return to sender tag anywhere?!!